


The Joke

by hvss



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: After it chapter 2 events, Dirty Talk, Eddie is going through it, Everyone lives, Fix-It, Jealousy, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Breakdown, Phone Sex, This happens during it chapter 2, love confessions of some sort, still not over this film
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:33:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21772252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hvss/pseuds/hvss
Summary: “A joke that should have stayed a joke but despite that, it started a riot inside him.”Eddie has a reaction to hearing Richie joke about being married.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 24
Kudos: 221





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this in the span of two hours because i logged into tumblr and saw a gif set. eddie’s reaction will always get me thinking. anyways enjoy. sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

Eddie knocks on Richie’s door and in the next second, the door flies open. 

“I just... have something to say.” Eddie whispers as he pushes past him and slides inside his room. He turns and tries very hard to sort out of his thoughts. 

Richie is just standing there confused, “What’s wrong Eds?”

The thing is Eddie didn’t exactly know what was wrong. They just got back from the dinner with the losers. They all agreed to try and help kill Pennywise. He just remembered that stupid clown. He just remembered Richie. It was a lot. So perhaps everything was wrong. But there was one thing that was more wrong than any other thing. Richie’s joke. 

Now Richie has always been like this with him, he’s always kept Eddie on the edge. His jokes had always been crude and gross. For the most part Eddie found them hilarious. But this joke.. wasn’t funny. 

The joke was that Richie was married. The punchline that followed was that he was married to his mom. That part Eddie could see why it was comical. But the first part of the joke.. it really stirred something in Eddie. 

He can’t figure it out though. And the thing is he doesn’t think he has time to figure it out. They’re supposed to pack their shit and go. But despite the looming threat of a killer clown, he has to figure this out. 

When Richie told Eddie he was married for that minute he felt like the world has turned upside down. A thousand things went through his mind. 

First and foremost who did he get married to? Who? Who was the woman he married? Was she gorgeous? Was she one of those blondes Richie was always raving about back when they were kids? Who the hell was this woman?

A more obscure thought was.. what if it wasn’t a woman... what if it was a man? Eddie wasn’t oblivious. He remembers all the rumors about Richie being gay. What if Richie was married to a man? Then that brought some even worse feeling. 

It would be worse if it was a man. Not because Eddie was homophobic. No. That wasn’t it. But because Richie would be with a man. A probably handsome, beautiful man. And every time Eddie pictures that he can’t breath. 

He can’t breath and he feels some intense pressure on his chest. Like if someone was stepping on him. He reaches for his inhaler but for the first time in his life, he doesn’t think that would do any good. 

“Eds... can you talk to me?” Richie touches his arm delicately and Eddie flinches. The taller man eyes widened and he raises his hand cautiously, “Hey.. Eddie? What’s going on?”

Eddie is brought from his own head back to the present for a second before he’s succumbing back into his thoughts. 

Eddie pictures Richie happily asking a man to marry him. He pictures just how happy he would have looked during the wedding. He’d probably would write funny anecdotes as his bows. Richie would probably love this man so much that he’d throw the most expensive wedding following a tropical honeymoon getaway. 

He feels his knees give out just thinking of that, of all those possibilities. Richie married. Married Richie. Richie belonging to someone else officially, by law. 

“Jesus Eddie!” He hears Richie exclaims and feels him wrap his strong arms around him. Eddie gasps as he’s brought down on a bed.

He’s back in the townhouse in Richie’s room. Richie is standing next to the bed looking so worried. 

“What the fuck happened dude?” Richie asks, voice laced with concern. 

Eddie sits up slowly, his head ringing a bit. He looks up at Richie and just blurts out what’s he’s thinking. “You can’t be married.”

Richie’s eyebrows furrow and now he looks even more confused. “What?”

Eddie swallows, “You can’t be married. You can’t get married.”

“I’m not... I was just joking. How the fuck do you think I was being serious about marrying your mom Eddie?” Richie reasons. 

Eddie shakes his head, “I know that! But I’m telling you that you can’t be married. And you can’t get married.”

Eddie’s common sense has flown out of the window. Completely out. He doesn’t know why he can’t stop saying those words. 

“What?” Richie frowns, “I can’t get married? I can’t be married? Why? Did that clown say something?”

Eddie shakes his head again, “No. I’m saying it. You’re not allowed to get married to someone.”

Richie eyes widened behind his thick frames glasses at that statement, “W-What? Why the fuck am I not allowed to get married?”

“You can’t.” Eddie huffs and wishes Richie would just listen and stop asking questions. 

“Who said that? Did fucking Pennywise say that? Are you remembering something I’m not?!” Richie asks, his hands starting to visibly shake as he rubs his temple. 

“I SAID THAT! I’m saying it! Me!” Eddie snaps at him, “You cannot be fucking married!”

Richie opens his mouth a couple times to say something but nothing came out. He shakes his head and squeaks out a, “Why?”

“You can’t marry anyone Richie! You just fucking can’t!” Eddie says exasperated that he has to explain his reasoning when he doesn’t even know what the fuck is his reasoning. 

“What the fuck dude?” Richie snaps back at him, “Why do you even fucking care?!”

“Because if you’re married then... then...” Eddie can’t finish that sentence. He can’t let himself have these thoughts. 

“Then what?!” Richie asks glaring at Eddie. 

“Why does it even matter? I’m asking you not to be married! Why isn’t that enough?”

“You’re not making any fucking sense Eddie! Did you see me die when I get married? Did something bad happened when I get married? Did that clown put shit in your head? Fucking explaining it to me!”

Eddie feels tears escape his eyes as his brain finally stops running around a thousand miles per hour. He realizes what he always needed to realize. 

“Shit. Sorry, I didn’t mean to raise my voice, I’m just frustrated Eddie. You’re not making any sense please talk to me!” Richie sits next to him on the bed and looks at him pleadingly.

Eddie tries to blink the tears away but he can’t. “Pennywise has... nothing to do with this.” 

Richie nods, “Ok then... why?”

“I-I...” Eddie starts but he stops. He looks at his ring. His wedding band. He was married. He was fucking married. And here he was about to say these words to Richie. 

Someone who made a fucking joke just to tease him. A joke that should have stayed a joke but despite that, it started a riot inside him. 

“Because I couldn’t bear it.” Eddie whispers and watches as Richie’s face goes through a journey of different expressions. 

After a couple moments of silence Richie speaks out, voice low. “Why?”

“Because...” Eddie sniffles and swipes at his tears again. “I love you.”

Whatever reaction he thought he’d get, this was not it. Richie stood up from the bed and started pacing. 

“Fuck!” Richie exclaims, “You... you..” He exhales sharply and turns around staring right at Eddie. “You’re the one who’s married!” He raises an accusatory finger at him, “You are the one who’s wearing a wedding band! You are the one who is actually fucking married Eddie! We forgot about each other! Fine. That happened. But you actually got fucking married! You actually went through it! And just because I made that fucking joke... just because for a few seconds you thought I was actually married.. you have a fucking breakdown?!”

Eddie stomach turns over and he feels like he could have an asthma attack. But again, he doesn’t reach for his inhaler. “I’m... I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?! You’re fucking sorry?! For what? For forgetting me? For saying that you love me?!” Richie snaps at him, “What exactly are you sorry for Eddie?!”

When Eddie doesn’t answer, Richie continues his furious rant. 

“You got married Eddie! Do you know what the fuck that did to me?! Do you know that I had to get fucking drunk to even dare to ask?! I saw that wedding band the minute we sat down and I almost excused myself and left! Forget for over 20 years and in the first minute of me remembering you and remembering all of my feelings I realize that you are fucking married! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HEARTBROKEN I AM?!”

Eddie gasps and stands up, reaching for Richie. “Rich...”

Richie moves away from him, “No! Eddie, don’t! I can’t believe this is how I find out you also have feelings for me! With a fit of jealousy! So what the big plan Eddie?!” He crosses his arms, “You tell me that and what? Keep me from getting married to anyone while you’re off with your fucking wife?”

Eddie shakes his head, “No Richie! That’s not...”

He stops because what was his endgame here? What was the point of telling Richie his feelings when he had no endgame? What if they defeated the stupid clown? Then what? What was Eddie going to do?

“Despite how I feel about you, and if we defeat this stupid clown, I will not be your gay lover on the side.” Richie growls at him, “So if that was your fucking plan, you can get the hell out of my room!”

“No Richie! Fuck! Just let me..” Eddie breaths out, “I didn’t have a fucking plan okay? I wasn’t even supposed to tell you this! Fuck I’m not even sure I even knew before I came into your room. All I knew is that I couldn’t bare the thought of you marrying someone. And I had a fucking breakdown about it that made me realize how madly in love I am with you. So no. I don’t have a plan! I don’t know what to do!”

Richie stares at him and contemplates his answer. He nods and swallows hard, “Fair enough.” He crosses the room and opens his door.

“Richie I-“ Eddie starts but stops when Richie holds a hand up for him.

“You have to a make decision Eddie. Not me.” Richie says, “I can’t help you. We’ve had a long night, I think it’s best we both get some sleep.”

Eddie nods and wordlessly walks out of his room. He stops and reaches over, sliding his hand on his shoulder. “Good night.”

He gets a sad look from Richie and he backs away, going straight to his room where he had things to go contemplate.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His entire world was shattered in less than 3 days. His brain hasn’t time to adapt. He doesn’t know how to make his brain adapt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I posted the first chapter I had no plans in continuing this but here we are! I’m sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors. Thanks for the comments, enjoy!

Eddie can barely sleep. The threat of a killer clown and Richie’s sad face was keeping him up. In the morning Richie barely talks to him and it’s so unlike him. He hadn’t notice how much Richie goes out of his way to talk to him or tease him. And he also hadn’t notice how much he enjoyed being the center of the tall mans attention. 

If the others noticed, they didn’t question Richie. They probably figured the whole killer clown thing would bring even Richie’s humor down. Although, Eddie does notice Stan give him and Richie odd looks. 

Eddie shoves any Richie thought aside to deal with Pennywise.

They do end up defeating Pennywise. Everyone surprisingly survives. Eddie saves Richie from the deadlights. Richie saves Eddie from Pennywise’s claws. They don’t get to process any of that because killing Pennywise at the moment was more important. 

All of them head back to the townhouse. When they arrive he stays behind, wanting to speak to Richie. He taps on his shoulder and the taller man turns around. He fiddled with his glasses, a nervous tick Eddie knew about. 

“Thanks for.. saving me.” Eddie says softly offering him a small hesitant smile. 

Richie nods, “Thank you for saving me.” Eddie is about to speak when Richie points out, “Your wound.”

Eddie turns around checking it on the parlor mirror. The gauze was covered in blood. “I should probably have this checked.” He turns over and Richie is still just staring at him. Eddie blinks a little, “Can you drive me?”

Richie starts to shake his head and Mike steps up, “I’ll drive you Eddie, this town has changed. You’ll get lost.”

Eddie nods but he’s still staring at Richie who has the most unreadable expression ever, “You can come-“

“No. It’s fine.” Richie interrupts and he can feel everyone’s stare at them. Eddie swallows and just nods. Richie doesn’t wait until he’s gone to head upstairs, Eddie notes that Stan follows. 

Mike drives him to a newly built hospital in Derry where the nurses tend to Eddie’s wound. Back at the townhouse Beverly lets him use her shower. His bathroom was still covered in his own blood thanks to the Bowers attack. He looses track of time and by the time he’s out and done his nightly routine, Bev is asleep. 

He tries to creep around to not disturb but accidentally drops one of his bags and she splutters awake. 

“Hey...” Eddie says, “it’s just me. Sorry I took awhile, I’ll be out of your hair.”

He gives her a small smile at which she returns and shakes her head. Beverly pats the empty spot next to her, “C’mere.”

Eddie sits next to her and she instantly wraps his arms around him. “You okay Bev?”

Beverly hums, “Are you okay? What’s happening between Richie and you?”

Eddie’s eyes widened, “How did you..” He stops because of course Beverly noticed. Everyone noticed. 

“I know we had a long day and we killed a space clown but that doesn’t mean we all didn’t witness how Richie told you no. I didn’t think that was possible until tonight.” Beverly furrows her eyebrow, “So what happened?”

Eddie sighs, closing his eyes. He feels like they’re back to when they were 13. Bev had always been such a mother hen to him. It was strange how easily they were back in those roles. 

“I told him something he... probably didn’t want to hear.” Eddie says and Beverly just looks more inquisitive.

“What did you say?”

“That I...” Eddie inhales shakily, “I love him...”

Beverly blinks and nods, “Why wouldn’t he want to hear that? He loves you too.”

Eddie chuckles bitterly, not even surprised that she isn’t shocked, “And I’m married.”

Beverly sighs, “Eddie there’s a thing called divorce.”

“I know that Beverly! But if I divorce my wife for Richie... what does that make me?” Eddie snaps at her, she opens her mouth to say something but he keeps talking. “It makes me a fraud. Someone who has spent the last 20 years living a lie!”

“Eddie..” Beverly shakes her head, “You are not a fraud. Pennywise... this thing, it fucked all us up. I married a son of a bitch who’s just like my father. And I’m divorcing him too! Does that make me a fraud?”

Eddie eyes widen and he feels his heart sink at that confession. “No.. god. Beverly I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve that.”

Beverly shrugs, “I’m fine.. Ben and I.. it can be better.”

Eddie smiles softly at her, “Happy for you.”

“And it can be better for Richie and you.” Beverly offers, “He loves you. You love him. What is so hard?”

“Everything. My marriage is.. different. And yes my wife is basically my mother too.. but the situation is different.” Eddie sighs defeated. “I-I don’t know how to do this.”

Beverly pursues her lips, “You should think about it. But Eddie take this as another chance to live. Are you really going to go back and pretend you are happy with your wife? Are you gonna pretend you don’t wish to have a happy relationship with Richie?”

And Eddie did. Eddie wanted that. But he didn’t know it was easy to achieve. 

“Where’s Richie?” Eddie asks, wiping his eyes. He didn’t see him when he got back from the hospital. 

“Probably crying to Stan about you.” Beverly says and slides back down to her pillow. 

Eddie scowls, “They were always so close, I remember that.”

“Yeah they knew each other the longest.” Beverly comments and rubs Eddie’s arm. “Take that sour look of your face, you already know Richie loves you.”

“Yeah but.. He’s talking to Stan and not talking to me.” Eddie grimaces and sighs, “I should let you sleep, we’ve had a long day.” He pauses because he remembers the mess in his bathroom and he starts feeling his anxiety creep up. 

“You can sleep in here if you want, I’m going to Ben’s room tonight.” Beverly smiles at him and Eddie has another thing to be jealous about that night. 

Morning comes and Eddie barely slept. He kept waking up, the nightmares more intense than before. He’s the first one downstairs, making himself some coffee. 

Richie comes in and he freezes, he starts backing out when Eddie slams the creamer down. “Jesus fucking Christ Richie! You can’t keep avoiding me!”

“I’m not-“

“Yes you are! And I know why but fuck can we at least talk before we leave today?” Eddie pleads. 

Richie scratches his stubble and bites his lip, “Did you figure it out?”

“No.” Eddie looks down once he sees Richie’s sad gaze. “It’s.. complicated. I can’t just turn my life around.”

Richie snorts, “No, guess you can’t.” He looks so sad and Eddie just wants to hug him. “Because I appreciate our friendship, I’ll move past what I feel for you. I’ll get over you. But I’m gonna need some time.”

“Richie... I didn’t.. you don’t have to do that.” Eddie whispers, stepping closer. “I’m not saying no forever.”

“But you’re saying no right now. I’m sorry Eddie but I’m not going to wait.” Richie shakes his head, “You want me to wait for you? How long? 1 month? 1 year? Another 20 years?! That’s not fair Eddie!”

Eddie knows it isn’t. And he knows Richie is right. But Eddie couldn’t have Richie get over him. He wanted to be with Richie but this stupid situation wasn’t ideal. The worst thing was that he was supposed to either stay like this or fix it. He didn’t know how to even get the courage to do that. He was a fucking coward. 

“I know..” Eddie feels a pinch behind his eyes, “I’m.. I’m so sorry Richie. I’m out of line. I just.. fuck!” He feels a sob ripple through him.

Surprisingly Richie slides his arms around him, hugging him close and Eddie just melts. 

“Eddie..” Richie whispers his name softly. Eddie can’t think of anyone being as tender to him as Richie is being at the moment. And it makes him angry with himself. He doesn’t deserve Richie still being nice to him. Not after what he just said. Not after telling Richie he couldn’t be with him.

Eddie pulls back a little, their height difference wasn’t as much because Richie was leaning down to hug him. He stares at Richie, his dark eyes so conflicted behind those glasses. He can’t help it. He leans in pressing their lips together. 

He expects Richie to push him back and yell at him. But he doesn’t. He deepens the kiss and it makes Eddie weak at the knees the way Richie holds his hips. 

Eddie brings his hands up to cup his face, to feel the stubble in his fingers. And then suddenly Richie pulls back, like a switch went off and he’s suddenly repelled. Eddie wonders what happened but he follows Richie gaze and he’s staring at his hand, a finger in specific.

Eddie’s wedding band. The one Richie felt when Eddie cupped his face while they were kissing. 

“For a second I forgot.” Richie whispers solemnly. “I’ll see you around.” He said it like a promise but Eddie didn’t think he meant it. “Tell the others I had an early flight.” He backs away, far from Eddie’s hold and leaves. 

The moment Eddie arrives Myra is on him. She’s freaking out about where he’s been, about the gauze on his cheek. She starts blabbering about taking Eddie to a hospital to get that checked and get a thousand of tests. Before Derry, before remembering, he would have agreed. He would have thought she was right, better safe than sorry. 

Eddie just stares at her. A quick memory of one time Eddie having a common cold when he was 9. His mother had him hospitalized and had the doctors run dozens of tests. Fuck. Now that he was staring at her, Myra resembled her so much. They could have been twins almost. 

“No.” Eddie replies to her. Myra stops and is shocked at his words. She opens her mouth again and Eddie beats her. “I said no. I’m fine. The wound is healing.”

He doesn’t wait for her reply and turns around. He wanted to be alone, two minutes back and he already felt suffocated. 

The thing was Myra looked like his mother and enabled Eddie’s constant worries, but she wasn’t abusive like his mother. She backed off pretty quickly. She was worried though, worried Eddie was having some type of mental breakdown. 

Eddie was sure he was. His entire world was shattered in less than 3 days. His brain hasn’t time to adapt. He doesn’t know how to make his brain adapt. He keeps thinking of black rimmed glasses and chapped lips. It’s like he can’t keep himself from yearning.

Maybe therapy? He thinks that night as Myra is laying down next to him. She usually keeps to her side, Eddie hates cuddling and she respected that. 

Fuck. Has Eddie never noticed how much he didn’t actually like to be around Myra before? Has he just ignored his thoughts for years now?

Eddie still tries. He tries to be the husband he vowed to be. He goes to work, comes home, interacts with his wife. It’s a cycle. A cycle he was used to. It was familiar to him. 

A month has passed and Eddie still isn’t even fucking close to figuring it out. 

He hasn’t talked to Richie in a month. They’re all in a group chat with the losers but that’s it. No direct communication. Richie wanted space and Eddie was still a fucking coward. 

Eddie wasn’t the one to read tabloid magazines. He honestly didn’t care about celebrities and who they were fucking this week. And yet he found himself buying a magazine off a street vendor. 

Richie had publicly come out two weeks after Derry and everyone in the group chat had congratulated him. Eddie included. So everyone knew that famous comedian was gay.

He got to his office and locked it. He took the magazine that was tucked in his armpit. He stares at the front page, just stares. 

Richie is on the front page, a handsome fellow by his side and they look extremely cosy together. Richie looked good, all long legs and a grin with his hair flopping around his forehead. The man next to him was shorter, had his arm wrapped around his waist and was probably laughing at something Richie said. They were at some bar, Eddie found out as he turned the pages to read more. They were other pictures of them leaving together.

Eddie feels his heart plummet as he stares at those pictures. Richie’s joke came back ringing in his ears. Married. Richie.

He picks his phone up and dials it, he looks at his clock and realizes it was too early in California but he didn’t care. 

“Eddie?” Richie’s voice was all heavy and cloudy, he probably just woke up from sleeping. 

“Who’s that guy?” Eddie asks, he digs around his drawer for his inhaler. He’d been using it less but this was one of those occasions he needed it. 

“Huh?” Richie asks sounding confused. He sounded more awake now. 

“The guy at the bar.. who is he?” Eddie presses, he finally found his inhaler. He breaths in and hears Richie curse. 

“Seriously Eddie? You’re having a panic attack because I got a boyfriend?” Richie was definitely awake now. “We haven’t talked for months and this is what makes you break?”

Eddie sinks into his chair, “He’s your... boyfriend?”

Richie doesn’t answer him right away. Eddie wonders if he’s hung up. He jumps a little once he hears his voice again. “No. But what if he was? You made your decision Eddie.”

Eddie scoffs, “I haven’t made a decision Richie!”

“Really?! You’re still with her! That’s your decision!” Richie snaps at him. 

“Do you know how hard it is for me to take that step? I want to leave her Richie! I want to be with you! But I’m a fucking coward!” Eddie feels himself start crying. He’s so tired of crying when talking to Richie. “I-I have a breakdown every time I think about what happens after I leave her. The friends me and her have in common, my work friends.. they’re going to find out I’m a fucking liar! That I never loved my wife, that I’m a fucking gay man with mommy issues!”

Richie is quiet again. Eddie is still crying on the phone and his head started to hurt again. 

“Eddie.. none of that is your fault. What your mom did to you wasn’t your fault.. you know that right?” Richie asks and Eddie recognizes that he’s being tender with him and once again Eddie doesn’t deserve this. 

“I just let my mom do it Richie. I just let her fill my brain with a bunch of crap.” Eddie sniffles sadly, “And yes I stood up to her but that goddamn clown made me forget that. But I know I knew. Deep down, I always knew she was making it all up.”

“Eddie... fuck. That isn’t your fault. Sometimes it’s more comfortable to not face the truth. My therapist says we get used to certain situations, even abusive ones. And it’s hard to get out of that.” Richie tries to reason with him. 

Richie was seeing a therapist? Eddie probably needed to do that. He remembers the first night back when he thought about seeing a therapist. 

Eddie bites his lip, “Yeah.” He closes his eyes, “Richie.. I’m so sorry for calling you. You’re free to do whatever you want. I need to get my shit together.” He sighs, “It seems like you’re doing great though, that’s good.”

“Things are looking up.” Richie whispers, “I have to go Eddie. But... just promise me you’ll be kinder to yourself.”

Eddie can’t promise but he does. And maybe that stirs something upon him. He looks up therapists around his area.

He incorporates that into his routine. He lies to Myra saying he’s off to meetings. He meets with his therapist every week and surprisingly he feels optimistic about the benefits it will have. 

His therapist was nice and warm. But she was pushing him. She would challenge his thinking, his actions. At first Eddie was defensive and a bit annoyed about it. 

But every time he left and reflected what the therapist said, it was like rediscovering how convoluted his thinking had been. 

Eddie wakes up early in the morning for his morning run. He runs two miles around Central Park, usually accompanied with other runners. This time he takes another path around Central Park feeling a bit bold. This path was less crowded and had a sturdy incline which had his thighs burning. He was out of breath once he hit his two miles. Eddie walks back home and feels invigorated.

He steps into his house and spots Myra making breakfast. Her back was turned to him as she prepared his coffee. She turns and offers him a smile. “Coffee?”

And just like that, it comes to him. Whatever he was waiting for him. That push. That courage. Maybe it was his therapist, maybe it was that different running path. Perhaps it was how he still cried about Richie every night. But this was it. Eddie was living his life, starting now. 

“I want a divorce.” Eddie blurts out and for a moment he wanted to laugh. Those words had been swimming around his head for years and saying them out loud... he always thought he’d self combust and the world would end. But here he was, alive and the world seemed fine . 

Myra’s face drops, “W-What? What the fuck?”

“I want a divorce. You... deserve better Myra. You deserve someone who can love you. I’m not it. I’m sorry.” Eddie says and doesn’t wait. He goes to their room, takes half of his clothes out of his closet and stuffs them in a suitcase. He packs fast and keeps repeating sorry to Myra who’s following him around calling him crazy.

Eddie was probably a little crazy but at least he finally made his decision.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There was tension there and Eddie was still trying to figure out how to tell Richie he divorced his wife. He thinks back at all the jokes Richie had made during the show about his male hook ups and felt his stomach turn."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took me awhile to write this because i was trying to end it, obviously i felt like there was more story as im sure you've noticed the 3 chapter turned to 4 now. i wrote more than what i intended to ha. anyways, thanks for the support. again, apologies for any grammar or spelling errors. enjoy!

The elevator slowly took Eddie to his floor. Even though he just left Myra that morning, which should have sent him into some sort of breakdown, he felt the opposite. The lightest he felt in decades. He gets settled into his hotel room and briefly wonders ‘what’s next?’  
  
Should he call Richie and tell him he’s left Myra? He didn’t know if that would be the right call. Eddie thinks back to what his therapist said on their last session.  
  
_Ms. Brown sweeps her hair to the right. She taps lightly on her notepad as she stares at Eddie. “When you do leave your wife, it should be about you. What’s YOUR next step, what YOU want to do. I understand Richie is important to you, but if you’re finally getting freedom, I recommend you figure out what you like, what you hate, just learn whatever it is you don’t know about yourself.”_  
  
_“But I want to be with him.” Eddie says feeling a little discouraged._  
  
_“And you can. But Eddie, your entire marriage has been about what your wife wanted. And prior to that it had been what your mother wanted. What does Edward Kaspbrak want?” She shrugs, “You can want to be with Richie but take time to breath. Don’t rush it.”_  
  
_“What if I don’t have time?” Eddie drops his voice, a hint of fear in his tone._  
  
_“Eddie, you are 40. You have so much time to live your life. Age isn’t a restriction. Remember what is the only think that’s restricting you?” Ms. Brown asks, trying to spark his memory._  
  
_“My negative self-talk.” Eddie nods, “But... Richie I mean. What if he finds someone while I’m still trying to figure myself out? What if he... gets m-married?” He thinks back when he told his therapist about the joke that caused all this realization._  
  
_“Then you’ll move on.” She states and Eddie’s stomach sinks. “You can’t change your entire life hoping Richie will be there waiting for you, you’ve said it yourself that’s not fair to him.”_  
  
_Eddie nods, “I just got him back I just wish... this wasn’t complicated.” He scratches his head, “But I do see your point. Maybe I do need time.”_  
  
_His therapist gives him a small smile, “Take it slow Eddie, you’re doing so well. I know it seems hard, but I’ll help you cross that hurdle when we get there. That will be just another small step.”_  
  
He lays down replaying her words. His next session was days away and he was so excited to share his accomplishment.  
  
Before he realizes a week has passed since he left Myra. Work was work. He still did his run, now going down that different path was getting easier. He went to his therapist and she seemed proud of him.  
  
That next weekend he officially filed from divorce. His lawyer assured him it wouldn’t be a complicated process, they had both signed a prenup.  
  
Eddie went to pick up the remaining of his things, Myra tries to speak to him. Tries to convince him that he needs to think about it. Tries to convince him he’s having a mid-life crisis.  
  
“I have been seeing a therapist for months!” He snaps at her as she suggested going to a psychiatrist. “Yeah, I lied to you about going to business meetings.”  
  
She seems surprised, “Why have you been going to a therapist for months?”  
  
“Because I’m gay.” Eddie simply says and he hopes that’s enough for her to stop begging. “That was another thing I lied about. I’m sorry. You can keep the condo. I’ll find a new apartment.”  
  
He doesn’t wait for her answer and just leaves. He hopes she stops blowing up his phone after that. She doesn’t, so he blocks her phone number.  
  
Eddie talks to all the losers constantly, it’s so nice to see them doing so well. He texts Richie occasionally too. They get back to their usual banter easily and Eddie is grateful for that. No one knows about his divorce, not yet.  
  
He’s still staying in the hotel. He knows this is costing him a fortune, despite his good salary. Eddie doesn’t know if he still wants to stay in the same job and even New York for that matter. He doesn’t know if he wants to get a 12-month lease in some apartment. So, he looks around, even asks his coworkers if they knew of any short leases.  
  
His coworker does know, his neighbor has a condo he wasn’t using. The neighbor was going to be out for a year, so Eddie was welcome to rent it for a couple of months. It’s an easy move, he didn’t have much anymore.  
  
After a month since he’s left Myra, he actually goes to his first gay bar. Eddie was nervous as he enters the bar, his palms sweating, and he was sure he looked slightly uncomfortable. He nurses a beer as he just stays at the bar.  
  
It wasn’t so bad, just like any other bar. Except this bar had men staring at him and that made him blush. He was about to leave when a man sits next to him.  
  
“Hi!” The man chirped and Eddie looks over at him. He was reasonably handsome, he had soft blue eyes and his straight golden hair was combed back. “Are you alright?”  
  
Eddie shrugs, “Is it obvious I’m about to have a breakdown?”  
  
The man laughs softly, “Yeah. You look so uncomfortable, my friends and I wondered if you were about to pull a gun out.”  
  
“Fuck.” Eddie shakes his head, “Sorry about that. I’m... it’s my first time doing this.”  
  
“Going to a gay bar?” The man inquires, sipping on his fruity drink.  
  
“Yeah...” He grimaces and looks back at his beer, “And you know... being gay.”  
  
“Oh... you recently came out?”  
  
“Yeah... to my wife.” Eddie offers and peers over at the man who eyes widened.  
  
“Oh shit!” The man sets his drink down.  
  
“It’s fine!” Eddie continues, “We are in the process of a divorce. I thought I could love her but then I saw my old childhood best friend and realized I was super fucking gay.” The man looks sympathetic as he listens to him. Eddie just starts laughing, “I’m fucking 40 and just now realizing I could’ve been one of these twinks 20 years ago.”  
  
That gets the man laughing and Eddie sort of feels better. He wonders if that’s why Richie was a comedian. “I’m Ryan.” The man, Ryan, offers to shake his hand and Eddie takes it. “Let me buy you a drink and you can keep talking to me about your gay awakening.”  
  
So Eddie and Ryan do. It’s fun. Talking to another man about being gay and listening to the man tell his own stories. In the back of his mind he feels slightly out of place a couple times, but he ignores it and just listens to Ryan.  
  
“You should probably get back to your friends.” Eddie says after a moment. It was late and he should definitely get back to his place.  
  
Ryan shrugs, “You’re good company Eddie.” And he just looks at him differently, stars to lean in and Eddie freezes.  
  
“Um...” Eddie says and moves back slightly, “I can’t.”  
  
Ryan moves back a bit alarmed, “Oh... shit. Sorry did... Did I read this wrong?”  
  
Eddie sighs, “Probably not I mean I was kinda flirting with you but... remember that childhood best friend who made me realize I was gay? Yeah, I’m in love with him.”  
  
Ryan’s face falls a little, but he nods, “Oh right. Are you guys together?”  
  
Eddie shakes his head, “No. I’m giving myself time before I... well.”  
  
“Shoot your shot?” Ryan offers and Eddie nods, “Well good luck with that. But hey, we can still be friends. You seem like you can use a gay friend.”  
  
“I’m a forty-year-old man with a gay mid live crisis... doubt I can be any fun.” Eddie bites his lip.  
  
Ryan shrugs, “I don’t mind age gaps.”  
  
Eddie lifts an eyebrow, “You might not, but your friends...”  
  
“We have fifty-year-old in our friend group, the others are like me in their mid-thirties. And there’s another forty-year-old in there. Stop making excuses, let us show you a good gay time.” Ryan flashes a smile at him.  
  
Eddie takes a deep breath, contemplating the offer. He doesn’t know this people, he could hate it. But he also doesn’t know if he would hate it. He didn’t have much friends, what’s worth this try? He needs to stop pulling back from situations because he overthinks them. He just nods, “I’d love that.”  
  
They exchange numbers and Eddie leaves smiling. The next couple of months as his divorce finalizes, Eddie spends a lot of time with Ryan and his friend group.  
  
He wasn’t uncomfortable going to gay bars anymore. He loved spending time there and having fun. He doesn’t feel comfortable dating yet. He still has so many feelings for Richie.  
  
Speaking of Richie, he had texted Eddie that morning that he’d be going on tour and one of the stops was New York City.  
  
Eddie calls him super excited, Richie answers in the first ring. “Yes, my good Eduardo?”  
  
“I’m so excited to see you! Your new tour looks sick, can’t wait!” Eddie gushes. “I’ve heard you’re finally funny.”  
  
He hears a soft laughter on the other side of the phone. “Thanks, I’ll have my manager save you a nice seat.” Richie breaths and Eddie can tell he’s nervous.  
  
Eddie wanted to tell him so bad that things were better but maybe that was a conversation to have while they were in the same room, not over the phone.  
  
“Yeah, maybe we can go to dinner afterwards.” Eddie says trying to act nonchalant. “If you like and have time of course.”  
  
“Um... yeah that sounds good.” Richie says and that’s that.  
  
In the next couple of weeks Eddie is nervous to see Richie again. He tries to figure out what’s the best way to break it down. His therapist reasons that even if Richie turned him down, he still has Richie as a friend. The important thing was that Eddie was being honest and himself.  
  
Hanging out with a community so accepting was helping him out. For starters he slowly started dressing differently. He bought patterned trousers, bought more vibrant buttoned down.  
  
He was slowly finding his identity and he was happy. He let his hair grow a bit, curls peaking slowly. Eddie tries to dress nice for Richie’s show, trying not to feel too out of place once he arrives at the venue.  
  
He gives his name to the box office and she provides him the ticket and a backstage pass.  
  
When Richie steps out, Eddie’s breath cuts off. He looks so dashing. A blazer with a ridiculous shirt and some tight jeans. It should look odd, but Richie pulls it off and he’s grinning and delivering the punch lines perfectly. Eddie had never laughed harder. Once the show is over Eddie heads backstage.  
  
Richie’s manager comes up to him, “Eddie, right? Richie is over here.”  
  
He leads Eddie to Richie’s dressing room and there is Richie. He feels a big smile slide over his face and before he can help it, he crosses the room and throws his arms around Richie. “I’ve missed you!”  
  
Richie’s arms slide around him and it’s just perfect. “Me too Eds.”  
  
“Don’t call me that.” Eddie reminds him and pulls back, “Holy shit Rich, the show was so good. I’m so happy you’re writing your own material now!”  
  
Richie smiles, “Thanks! It feels good, I’m glad you liked it!”  
  
“Yeah, who would’ve have thought you’d actually be funny.” Eddie teases him and that gets a laugh out of Richie.  
  
“Also Eds holy shit but what are you wearing? Since when did you become the most fashionable one out of the losers? Bev has been dethroned.” Richie says and Eddie blushes under his gaze.  
  
“Just... feels nice to experiment with this. Whatever I’m comfortable wearing I guess.” Eddie shrugs like it’s no big deal. Richie stares at him and he can feel his blush growing. “Listen I-“  
  
Richie’s manager comes through the door interrupting, “Sorry, but if you want to make your reservation you should probably leave now.”  
  
Richie nods, “I made a reservation for us at a nice restaurant. Is that okay? Or did you have somewhere in mind?”  
  
Eddie did have a place in mind, but he shakes his head and follows Richie out. This restaurant was nice, the food looked very well made for a restaurant. The waiters were all so nicely dressed, the wine collection was impressive.  
  
“You look... uncomfortable.” Richie points out when they head to their table.  
  
Eddie bites his lip, “This place is just...” He shrugs unable to finish it. A year ago, Eddie wouldn’t have minded. Eddie used to love restaurant like these, so proper and fine.  
  
“Too much?” Richie offers, frowning a little. “We can go somewhere else if you want.”  
  
“I mean... I do have this place in mind. But I don’t know if... if you’d like to go there.” Eddie asks a little embarrassed.  
  
Richie raises an eyebrow, “If it’s more fun and not stuck up as this place, I’m in.”  
  
“Then why did you bring us here you dick?” Eddie asks confused as he grabs his jacket.  
  
Richie shrugs, opening the door for him. “Figured this was your scene.”  
  
Eddie leads Richie to small restaurant near his house which he recently discovered. It had a greasy burger which he’d never would’ve of ate before, but he figured once in awhile wouldn’t kill him.  
  
“Quirky fashion statements and now this place, what the hell Eds?” Richie states as he chews on his burger.  
  
“Don’t talk while you’re chewing.” Eddie scolds him and drinks his milkshake. “I been good you know?”  
  
Richie swallows and sips on his drink, “You seem good. I’m happy for you Eddie.”  
  
There was tension there and Eddie was still trying to figure out how to tell Richie he divorced his wife. He thinks back at all the jokes Richie had made during the show about his male hook ups and felt his stomach turn.  
  
It didn’t matter. What matters is that Eddie was being honest and himself.  
  
Dinner is over, Eddie still hasn’t told Richie.  
  
“I know this bar... if you want to go. It’s... a little crazy but fun.” Eddie asks as they’re walking out. Maybe some liquid courage could help him.  
  
Richie looks a little suspicious, but he nods, “Crazy as in?”  
  
“You’ll see.” Eddie smiles, “C’mon.”  
  
Eddie takes him to one of his favorite gay bars. He’d been there a couple times. It was one of those cliché gay bars, where men in tank tops would dance on top of the bar occasionally and the walls were colorful. He figured it was a nice way to ease Richie into what he was trying to tell him.  
  
Richie eyes widened as they step inside and he’s looking around taking it all in. Eddie was sure this wasn’t his first gay bar, he’d seen the tabloids of Richie at a couple of wild gay bars.  
  
“You come here a lot?” Richie asks, still looking around.  
  
Eddie nods, “A few times with friends.” He bites his lip, “Let me get you drinks.”  
  
He leaves Richie for a second to get two fruity drinks. He comes back and Richie was texting someone and quickly pockets his phone once he spots Eddie.  
  
“What are those?” He points to the drinks in his hand.  
  
Eddie gives one to Richie and just smiles, “Two cowboys. They’re very fruity and have lots of alcohol. Two of these and I’m usually done for!”  
  
Richie raises an eyebrow and tastes it, “Oh... not bad.” He leans against the wall as he takes another sip. “So, you come here a lot with your friends?”  
  
Eddie nods, “Yeah...”  
  
“And you now eat greasy food, and you dress differently...” Richie continues and Eddie nods.  
  
“Look Richie-“ Eddie starts but gets interrupted.  
  
“Eddie!” Ryan voice calls out and Eddie turns finding Ryan coming to him and pulling him in for a hug. “I didn’t know you’d be here!” He pulls back and notices Richie. “Oh hello, who’s this?”  
  
Eddie smiles tightly, feeling nervous for some reason. “This is Richie, one of my childhood friends. Richie this is Ryan, a friend.”  
  
Ryan instantly understands and extends his hand out to Richie, “Oh wow! Heard so much about you, but Eddie didn’t tell me you were fucking famous. Shit I love your latest comedy show, so fucking funny!”  
  
Richie smiles but his jaw is a little tense. “Thanks, are you one of the friends that have my little Eduardo trying things out?”  
  
Ryan laughs, “if you’re talking about his fashion sense, that’s all him. But yeah I especially showed Eddie just how fucking fun gay bars are.” He messes with Eddie hair.  
  
Eddie doesn’t miss the way Richie tracks the movement and narrows his eyes. “Ryan and his friends have been very welcoming.” He tried to explain to Richie who has a death grip on his almost finished drink.  
  
Ryan waves a hand around. “It’s a pleasure. Just a gay man trying to help out another gay man with his post-divorce gay awakening.”  
  
The moment he says that is the moment Richie’s entire posture changed. He looked frozen, he blinked a little and chocked on his drink. Richie looks over at Eddie questioning him without saying a word.  
  
“I... need a smoke.” Richie says and pushes past them, going outside.  
  
“Did I say... something bad?” Ryan whispers over to Eddie.  
  
“No... he just... didn’t know about all this. I hadn’t told him yet.” Eddie groans running a hand through his hair. “I have to talk to him.”  
  
He gets outside, and Richie is at the curb. He’s not smoking but he’s texting someone... again.  
  
“Richie, hey listen...” Eddie starts, and Richie turns around eyes glassy with tears. “Shit... Richie. I’m sorry. Look... I wanted to tell you since it happened but... I just didn’t think I could have that conversation over the phone. Then when you said you’d come here I realize it be perfect. I been building up the nerve to tell you. I’m so sorry. That’s not the way I wanted you to know.”  
  
Richie breaths in shakily, “Eddie... you should have told me. I-I thought...” He shakes his head, “I should had been there you.”  
  
“Richie... I’m good.” Eddie reassures him, “I woke up one day and realized I couldn’t stay married to her. My therapist-“  
  
“You’re seeing a therapist?” Richie interrupts.  
  
“Yeah...” Eddie sighs, “It has been good. She told me I should take my time, I wanted to rush over and fly to California, to your door step and tell you. But she told me I needed time on my own. You know?” He shrugs, “So it’s been good. I’ve met friends, tried greasy food, gone to way too many gay bars at my age.”  
  
Richie just stares at him for the next few minutes. He takes a deep breath and nods, “You look happier, I’m happy for you Eds.” He brings him in, hugging him tightly and Eddie can’t help but melt into him.  
  
Eddie wanted to hug Richie forever, but he pulls back. “We can leave if you want to. We can go get a coffee or something.”  
  
Richie sighs, “Yeah... that be better.” His lips quirk in a smile, “You know a gay coffee place?”  
  
He laughs at that and hums, “Not that I can’t think of. But I know this nice cozy coffee place.”  
  
They head to the coffee place; the place was small and usually empty. Instead of chairs it had three sets of couches all around the fake fireplace. They’re sitting on the couch next to each other, sipping on their coffee.  
  
Richie’s phone goes off and Eddie raises an eyebrow, “Who keeps texting you?”  
  
“Stan... he’s been helping my nerves.” He blushes, “You know about you and everything...”  
  
Eddie chuckles, “I almost texted Bev to get some courage. That last night at the townhouse she told me you were probably crying to me about Stan.”  
  
Richie snorts, “Yeah she was right about that.”  
  
They stay silent, just staring at each other.  
  
“You know if you’d came to California I’d taken you in a heartbeat.” Richie whispers after a few minutes. “Don’t think anyone will measure up to you Eds.”  
  
Eddie feels his heart flutter, “Yeah?” He turns fully to face Richie. “I can say the same.”  
  
“Really?” Richie asks, his jaw tense again. “What about that Ryan guy?”  
  
“Ryan?” Eddie question a little confused. “What about Ryan?”  
  
“Please the way he looks at you, teases you... he’s totally into you.” Richie slightly pouts, “You don’t look so put out by it.”  
  
“He’s a friend. And only a friend. He’s been good to me and has shown me how nice it is to be around gay people.” Eddie tells him, sliding up to cup Richie’s face. “When I first met him, he did try to hit on me, but I told him about you, and he backed off.”  
  
“I feel like he’s waiting for you to get over me to make his move again.” Richie disagrees, hand coming over to rest on Eddie’s hip.  
  
“Richie, it’s only you.” Eddie rubs his stubble with his index finger. “But I have to admit, jealousy looks sexy on you.”  
  
Richie pouts again and Eddie can’t take it anymore. He leans in pressing their lips together. And oh if Eddie thought the last kiss was something, this one was the real thing.  
  
Their lips move slowly against one another and it was perfect and just so good. He pulls back and rests their foreheads together, “I love you.”  
  
“I love you too Eds, so much.” Richie whispers and presses their lips together again. The kiss started out just like the others. But once Richie swipes his bottom lip, Eddie feels something in the pit of his stomach. They should probably not make out in public.  
  
He pulls back and breaths softly, “Maybe we should go back to mine or yours...” He sees the way Richie’s eyes darken. “Whatever is closer.”  
  
Richie grabs his hand and he quickly grabs an Uber to Eddie’s place. “I’m staying at one of my coworkers’ neighbors place he’s not using at the moment.” He explains as they arrive. “I’m still figuring out if I want to stay here, didn’t want to tie myself down with a one-year lease. My job is good but I’m also trying to figure out if that’s what I want to keep doing.”  
  
Richie looks speechless and he just leans down pulling him into a kiss. “I love seeing you so free Eddie... it’s so fucking sexy.” Eddie blushes at his praise. He wasn’t used to that yet. Richie keeps talking, “I’m so happy you made a decision. Not just because of us but because you deserve the fucking world Eddie.”  
  
Eddie feels tears prick his eyes, “Fuck I didn’t want to cry tonight.”  
  
Richie kisses his nose, “Babe, it’s okay.” Eddie’s heart definitely loves the pet names. “I’m just so proud of you. I always knew you were the bravest one out of all of us.”  
  
Eddie shrugs and bites his lip, “You almost died because of me.”  
  
“Eddie you fucking saved me from the deadlights! It’s because of you I’m alive.” Richie shakes his head, “You’re an amazing person who is finally getting to be happy. You deserve this.”  
  
And that’s what his therapist kept telling him. But sometimes his negative thinking would distort everything. He closes his eyes and he hugs Richie closer. He deserves this, he deserves to be with Richie.  
  
Eddie pulls back and slides their lips together again. He deserves to be kissing Richie this way, with his mouth slack and Richie’s tongue inside of his mouth.  
  
He deserves the way Richie is holding him close, sliding his hands down his back and settling at his hips. He deserves to climb on top of Richie’s lap and run his hands down his broad chest. He, especially, deserves to grind on him slowly and feel his hardness underneath him.  
  
Richie pulls back slightly at that movement, “Eds... shit.” He kisses down his jaw, leaving small wet kisses down his throat and to his collarbone.  
  
“Richie!” Eddie whines and grinds on him again. His cock thickening more by the second.  
  
“What do you want?” Richie whispers against his skin, “Whatever you want, I’ll do it.”  
  
God, if Eddie didn’t have a billion of ideas. Another thing that came with accepting his sexuality was being curious of the whole sex thing. And he did his research on a lot of porn websites.  
  
“Maybe not... actual sex. But um... just to feel good.” Eddie whispers, running his hands through Richie’s hair. “Want both of us to feel so good.” He slides Richie’s glasses off him and smiles softly as he watches his eyes readjust. “Just thought it be more comfortable.”  
  
“As long as you’re not a foot away, I can see you perfectly.” Richie smiles and dips his head to continue planting kisses to his neck. His hands run up his thighs, squeezing them. “You’re so fit Eddie, you work out a lot I’m assuming.”  
  
Eddie groans softly and nods, “Yeah... still run almost every morning and sometimes I do yoga with Ryan.” At the mention of Ryan, Eddie feels Richie suck a bruise on his collarbone. “Didn’t think you’d be the jealous type.”  
  
“Not as jealous as you.” Richie licks over the bruise making Eddie grind harder against him.  
  
“I’m not a jealous person!” Eddie groans as Richie starts to unbutton his dress shirt.  
  
Richie pulls back to look at him, “Please your jealousy fit made you realize you loved me.”  
  
Eddie rolls his eyes, “That was the only time I was jealous.”  
  
“Really? What about when you called me to ask me about Scott? The guy on the tabloids.” Richie challenges and Eddie scowls. “Good thing I ended things with him, or you’d be seething.”  
  
He goes back to unbuttoning his shirt, but Eddie pulls back. “Ended things? You told me he wasn’t your boyfriend.” He felt a little perplexed.  
  
Richie bit his lip, “I... You were freaking out on the phone so... I...”  
  
Eddie pulls himself off Richie’s lap completely, feeling anger course through his veins. “You lied to me? He was your boyfriend?”  
  
“Not... I mean... Like we were exclusive dating yeah.” Richie sighs, “Eddie I didn’t want you to freak out even more, you sounded really bad on the phone.”  
  
“So you lied? You’ve had a boyfriend this entire time and you lied to me about it to spare my feelings?” Eddie hisses at him.  
  
“You lied to me about being divorced!” Richie snaps at him, “Eddie, I don’t see what the big deal is!” He takes a deep breath, “Look I’m sorry I lied, I just didn’t want you to get worse.”  
  
Eddie shakes his head, crossing his arms. “Leave.”  
  
Richie’s face falls, “Eddie... are you serious? What the fuck? I said I’m sorry! It’s not a big deal, it’s not like I was going to marry this guy!”  
  
“It is a big deal Richie!” Eddie snaps at him, “You spared my feelings thinking you were doing something good for me, you lied to me! You treated me just like everyone else! Like I’m so delicate flower who can’t take the truth!”  
  
“Oh don’t fucking compare me to your mom or wife!” Richie growls standing up and sliding his glasses back on, “I lied because I wanted to protect you.”  
  
Eddie felt like he had been punched in the gut. A thousand memories came back of his mom and Myra talking about protecting him. “That’s not what I fucking want Richie! I don’t need anyone to fucking protect me!”  
  
“Eddie... I didn’t...” Richie starts and stops himself. He seemed to understand why Eddie was so mad. “Fuck. I’m sorry. Fuck. I shouldn’t have done that, I was just worried about you.” He reaches for him and Eddie steps back.  
  
“I can’t have someone around me who will do the same and treat me like my mom or Myra.” Eddie feels tears fill his eyes. “I want to be with someone who is not fucking afraid to hurt my feelings!”  
  
“Eddie that’s me, I’ll tell you-“  
  
“No. Because right now I can’t even tell if you actually want to be with me or you’re just trying to spare my fucking feelings.” Eddie shakes his head, “It was good seeing you Richie. You can see yourself out.”  
  
Richie looks broken and Eddie almost lets him stay. But he can’t. His mind is filled with insecure thoughts and double guessing every action Richie took. This was definitely not the way he saw this night ending.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy sh*t! thank you so much everyone for liking this story. i honestly had no plans to write anything more than that first chapter. thanks for everyone’s comments, it means a lot to me. hope you guys enjoy this chapter. i added extra warnings so beware. again, i apologize for any spelling or grammar errors. enjoy!

Eddie woke with a really bad headache. He felt so conflicted with last nights events. Richie had texted him several times, apologizing, offering to meet up somewhere so they could speak, apologizing again. Ryan had also texted him, asking if everything had gone okay even adding suggestive emojis. He couldn’t bring himself to tell him no, despite what Richie thought, Ryan was actively rooting for them. 

He also had a missed call from Stan. He rolls his eyes a little because of course Richie told Stan and of course Stan would call Eddie. Nevertheless he calls Stan back. 

“You called?” Eddie asks once he hears the other man pick up. 

“I did.. are you okay?” Stan asks and he genuinely did sound concerned.

“Been better. I’m guessing you talked to Richie.” Eddie replies flatly, he didn’t need to beat around the bush, Stan was always going to be on Richie’s side. 

“I did, but Eddie I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Stan sighs, “From what Richie said, you didn’t sound okay.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why does it matter to you that I’m okay?” Eddie snaps at him.

“Because you’re my friend dumbass.” Stan snaps back at him. 

“You trying to get something from me so you can run and tell Richie?” He sneers at him, palms shaking. 

“What the fuck? You’re my friend Eddie! You know you can come and talk to me about whatever it is, even if it pertains to Richie. I’m not going to run off and tell him just how I’m not here telling you what he told me.” Stan huffs, “Stop thinking that, I’m your friend also.”

Eddie immediately deflated, feeling guilty. Stan was right when they were kids they were great friends. He could count on Stan for anything and he always had his back. “Fuck, you’re right sorry. I’m not being fair to you. You are my friend, of course.”

“So do you want to talk about it?”

“I don’t really know what there is to talk about.. I’m thinking about calling my therapist but I don’t know.” Eddie sighs, rubbing his temples. 

“That sounds like a good idea, your therapist would probably have better advice than I would.” Stan says and Eddie can hear the soft smile. 

“Yeah, I should call her. But hey, I’m sorry I have been weird with you. I love you Stan, maybe after I fix my shit I can give you a visit, finally meet that lovely wife of yours.” 

Stan chuckles, “I don’t know if I want her to know how much of a loser I was by bringing you all here.”

Eddie scoffs, “Fuck you!”

“Love you too man, take care. I’m always here.” Stan says and Eddie feels his heart warm. 

“Love you, talk soon.” He hangs up and sighs loudly.

His therapist could squeeze him in his schedule. He left work early and rushed to the appointment. After Eddie tells her everything, he’s sitting there waiting anxiously for her take. 

“Eddie, you’ve known Richie how long?” Ms. Brown wonders as she pursues her lip, deep in thought. 

“Since I was a child.. didn’t spoke to him in 20 something years though.” Eddie exhales shakily, “Why?”

“Has he always displayed such behavior? Has he always protected your feelings?” She asked, writing down on her notepad. 

“Um..” Eddie rakes his mind, trying to tell her what he could. He was honest most of the time but he couldn’t see a scenario where he told his therapist about a space clown. So he had to edit and disguise some events. “One time a bully was threatening to kill us. He... was very protective. He was making sure I was focusing on him instead. And when we were being attacked by uh.. bats, he kept calling out my name to make sure I was okay. You know things like that.”

“Did he ever make you feel like your mother or your wife when he did those things?” She asks next and Eddie figures where she’s going with this. 

“No..” Eddie admits, “It just felt like a friend looking out for a friend.”

Ms. Brown hums, “Yeah. A scared friend I might add. So why did yesterday’s revelation felt like that? Why did you feel like he was treating you like them?”

“I just... felt like I couldn’t trust him. He lied to me.” Eddie whispers, “I felt disappointed.”

“Why?”

“Because he fucking lied to me! And his reasoning was shit! He was with someone and lied to me!”

“Why did he lie?”

“To protect me! But I don’t need protection. That’s just what this has been about. Me coming to you because I don’t need someone being over protective of me! I need someone real and honest and I’m not so sure Richie is that. If someone protects me then I’m back to where I was before!”

His therapist is silent for a couple of minutes and Eddie grabs the Kleenex tissue and cleans his eyes. 

“Eddie..” She starts and pauses, “Stay quiet until I finish what I’m saying.” She would usually request that when she was about to say something that could make him uncomfortable. “Your mother and your wife didn’t protect you Eddie. Your mother created an illusion that she was protecting you from yourself, she held you back from you being able to being yourself. Your wife enabled your fake sickness. They didn’t protect you. They treated like you were fragile, yes, but never protected you.”

Eddie blinks as he tries to reason her words. 

She continues, “Now... from what you’ve shared a couple of months ago you were almost killed twice correct? Richie even saved you the second time.” He nods. “And when you called him because you saw that tabloid, you were having a panic attack.” He nods again. “I don’t know Richie, he isn’t my client. But I do believe his intentions were good. He wasn’t treating you delicately, he just wanted to make sure you’d be okay. Imagine if Richie had called you, panicking and uncontrollable, while you’re on the other side of the country. Wouldn’t you lie? Just to make sure you’re not the cause of a mental breakdown? Especially after he witness you in those near death experiences. Of course he wants to protect you. It’s heightened in him after everything that’s happened. Eddie, having a significant other look out for you isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It just means that they care and they’ll do anything to make sure you’re okay. It doesn’t make them a bad person. Just because you had those horrible experiences in the past, doesn’t mean Richie will be like that. From what you told me, he’s completely in love with you. Isn’t that what you wanted? To be with him?”

Eddie starts crying even harder at her words and just lets them sink in. “I do.. I just. Fuck I keep screwing everything up.”

Ms. Brown shakes her head, “No. You’re just adjusting and relearning. Just like he will do as well. My advice is to talk with him and be as open as you’d like.”

He leaves his appointment feeling more clarity but he still needed to speak with Richie. He texts him arranging a meeting. It’s at Richie’s hotel room. 

Eddie knocks on the door and Richie answers it quickly. “Hey..”

“Hey.. come in.” Richie says and moves back. His room is tidy, which surprises Eddie, he briefly wonders if he’s leaving soon. He leads them to a small living room area and Eddie sits down on the couch. “You want water, tea, coffee?”

He shakes his head, “I’m good thanks.”

Richie nods and sits down, opposite of him, his hands fidgeting. He looked nervous and Eddie couldn’t blame him. “Listen Eddie-“

“No.. let me start.” Eddie sighs and looks down. “I talked to my therapist today. She... made great points.” He looks up at Richie who still looks nervous but he’s concentrating on what Eddie is saying. “I’m sorry for my reaction yesterday. I think I grossly compared you to my mom and Myra and that wasn’t fair. You’re not like them at all, and you never will be. But I just... You lied to me. I understand why but when you said you wanted to protect me, I thought back at all the times my mother had said that and I just... reacted that way. I know you meant it in a good way.”

Richie nods, “I did Eddie. I’d never do anything to smother you or keep you in my clutches the way they did.”

“I know. I know. I get that. I just.. I’m still having trouble adjusting to what’s healthy and what isn’t healthy in a relationship. And for some reason that made alarms go in my head. I’m sorry Richie.” Eddie bites his lip and reaches for him, sliding their hands together. “I.. want to be with you.”

“Are you sure?” Richie asks, “It’s just, you say that and then the next minute you’re asking me to leave. I keep getting my hopes up and I’m just.. I can’t keep doing this Eddie.”

Eddie feels the air leave his lungs and he thinks carefully of what to say. “Richie.. fuck. I’m sorry. I do want to be with you. But it’s just going to take time. I want to be your boyfriend and be the best I can for you. But I’m gonna need your patience. If you want to of course.”

“I do Eddie. Fuck, I’ve wanted you since I was 13. I can be patient. We can learn everything we need to make sure this relationship is good. I just... need you to be sure because if you’re not I cannot take another heartbreak.”

Eddie cups his face and leans in, “Richie I’m so sure of you. I love you.” He takes a deep breath, “We can figure this out together right?”

Richie nods, “But you also need to have patience with me okay? I’m not always going to get this right.”

“Yes, I promise.” He leans in again until they’re both kissing. Eddie wasn’t trying to speed anything up but every time he kisses Richie it’s just pure fireworks. He’s in his lap in the next second.

Richie pulls back, a grimace on his face, “God Eddie I wish we could do more of this but my flight leaves soon.”

“When does your flight leave?” Eddie challenges as he leans in kissing his jaw. 

“In two hours.” Richie groans softly and Eddie pulls back fast. 

“What?! What are you still doing here? You have to go or you’ll miss your flight!” Eddie slides off his lap and looks around to see if Richie had packed his bags, which surprisingly he has. 

“Oh I have priority boarding, it’s fine.” Richie waves a hand as he stands up.

“Then why the fuck did you make us stop?” He snaps at him, still thinking of the fact that they should’ve of been at the airport an hour ago.

“I’m just saying if we start this I won’t be able to stop and before I know it my manager is angry at me.” Richie shrugs and just smiles at him. He leans down smashing their lips together again. 

Eddie moans softly and pulls back breathlessly, “Priority or not, you have to go.”

Richie smiles, “I was starting to think this new reinvented version of you was more reckless about airports but no. Just as strict on times as usual.”

“Well it’s important Richie! If you miss your flight because you were lat-“ Eddie gets interrupted by Richie kissing him again. He narrows his eyes, “What was that?”

“Just found a new way to shut up in your rants that doesn’t require me to joke about fucking your mom.” Richie grins and Eddie pushes him.

“Asshole.” He grunts but he smiles the next second. 

“Hey... I don’t really wanna say goodbye yet. You wanna ride with me to the airport?” Richie asks, hand coming to sneak around Eddie’s waist. “I know my driver, he totally won’t mind if we make out the entire way there.”

“You’re impossible.” Eddie rolls his eyes but once they get into the black SUV, he does not complain when Richie starts kissing him. They stop the next few minutes after because Eddie was uncontrollable. It was like something inside him had awoken a spark and every time Richie touched him his body was on fire. He didn’t know when he’d be able to control himself. 

“Why are you blushing?” Richie comments, whispering in his ear. 

“No one should get a fucking hard on from just a kiss.” He hisses and glares at him. “Stop looking so smug!”

Richie adjusts his glasses that had become askew due to the intense kissing. “Well sorry, I didn’t think I’d be so happy that I caused the love of my life to get a stiffy one just for my expertise kissing!”

Eddie blushes harder, “You’re annoying.”

“Mmm yes annoyingly irresistible to you.” Richie grins and Eddie groans. He leans against Richie as they look out the window. “Hey..” He says and his voice sounds softer this time, all the teasing gone away. “You do wanna do this? Long distance? Be my.. well boyfriend or partner or lover. Whatever.” He sighs, “All the way?”

Eddie pulls back so he can stare right at Richie. He cups his face and smiles, “All the way. All of it. Maybe even a wedding down the line.” Richie eyes widened and he shrugs, “My first wedding didn’t count. But look there’s things to resolve and all of that... for now I’d be happy to call you my boyfriend.”

“God Eds...” Richie whispers, “You saying that gave me a boner for life!” Eddie snorts at that and Richie gets a more serious expression. “I’d love to call you boyfriend as well.”

He nods and Richie beams at him, he slides their hands together and brings Richie’s palm up to his lips kissing it. “So boyfriends it is.”

They make it work. A lot of FaceTime and a lot of texting. Eddie misses him but he knows Richie has prior commitments and this tour seems so important to him. 

The losers all congratulated them once the news broke out. Beverly and Ben offered to host a loser reunion soon. They just had to get all their schedules align. In the meantime, the group chat kept them all united. 

His therapy sessions are really good. He manage to cut down to twice a month, he was feeling so proud of himself for that. Days at work are good. He was good at his job that was the thing. But he slowly starts to be less passionate about it.

It happens gradually. He’s not immediately bored of it. It just starts to creep on him how much his job just drains him. 

“So you hate your job, quit!” Ryan offers. They’re out at a bar again, Ryan was tipsy and Eddie was getting there. 

“I can’t just quit, I don’t have a back up plan.” Eddie shakes his head.

“You’re boyfriend is Richie fucking Tozier, he can be your sugar daddy!” Ryan offers and Eddie rolls his eyes. “Look... you’re super talented and hard working, anyone would hire you!”

“Yeah but I don’t know what I want in a job. Or where I want to live.” Eddie sighs, he was about to keep ranting when his phone rings. Richie was calling him, he wondered if he finished his show early. “I’ll be back.” He says to Ryan as he brushes past people to get outside. “Hey babe, you’re calling early.”

“Yeah the show ended early.” Richie says and he sounds... odd. 

“Oh good show?” Eddie asks, walking away from some smokers. It was 2019 why did people still smoke?

“Yeah. Nice crowd.” Richie hums and he still sounds odd. 

“You okay? You sound.. weird.” Eddie notes as he’s finally away from the smoking section outside the bar. 

“You’re out with Ryan?” Richie asks.

“Yeah, just a few drinks. Was gonna turn in early, you know for our nightly call.” Eddie smiles, “He’s supposed to meet with the other guys so I can go home now though.”

“He uploaded a picture of you both.” Richie says, ignoring the last of Eddie’s sentence, “He’s hugging you close.”

“Really? Haven’t seen it.” Eddie frowns, “He always hugs me in pictures.”

“Yeah I know. I’ve seen them all.” Richie snorts, “You’re half of his Instagram feed. He’s obsessed with you.”

“Richie.. he’s my friend.” Eddie whispers, “Thought you were okay with Ryan.”

Richie scoffs, “I am okay. He’s just.. annoying tonight. Hugging you like that, that should be me.”

“You’re on your tour, that’ll be you soon.” Eddie reminds him, “Plus your arms are the only arms I want around me.”

“Yeah? Just mine?” Richie says a little breathy. 

“Of course.” Eddie says a little confused till he hears a moan from Richie. “Richie are you-“

“Kinda... fuck. I just miss you Eddie.” Richie groans, “And seeing Ryan all over you fuck.. I just wanna fly to you and grab you like that. Grab your ass, your thighs, fuck Eddie all of you.”

Eddie’s mouth falls open, he blushes and looks around. He was fairly alone but still out in the streets of New York and his boyfriend was moaning about him on the phone. “Rich...”

“Can you get home?” Richie whispers and Eddie definitely hears his zipper being pulled down. “Fuck, honestly don’t think I’ll last.”

“Richie this is so.. fuck!” Eddie groans, “I’m in public, can you wait 15 minutes?”

“No baby.. I need to. Fuck. I’m just imagining your toned body under my own, you’d fucking love that.” Richie continued and Eddie closes his eyes. 

“Fuck you Richie!” Eddie grunts, “Wait just wait.” He rushes back inside and finds Ryan. “Hey I have to go.”

Ryan frowns, “Everything okay?”

“Is that Ryan?” Richie hums on the phone, “Tell him you’re hard because I’m getting off to fucking your thighs.”

Eddie feels his pants get so tight and he nods waving a quick goodbye and he’s off. “Let me get a cab Richie please.” He begs as he tries to flag a cab down. 

“I can’t believe you’re so toned, a fucking runner. No one has better thighs than you, would you let me? Would you let me fuck my cock between them?” Richie whimpers softly, Eddie can hear the slicking sounds. 

“Fuck...” Eddie moans, “Yeah baby, you can fuck them. Want you to.”

“Fuck yeah baby, we are going to have so much fun.” Richie moans into the phone. Eddie manages to hail a cab and he quickly tells the man his address. “You’re in a cab already baby?”

“Yeah.. 10-15 minutes baby. Just wait for me.” Eddie begs again.

“I can’t wait Eddie. Fuck I’m so close.” Richie whines, “Can you just.. hear me? I promise I’ll help you out when you get home.”

This was by far the craziest thing Eddie ever did. “Okay... okay.” He whispers like it isn’t insane that he’s agreed to listen to his boyfriend get off while being in a cab, with a stranger who has no idea what’s happening. 

“Your ass too Eddie, so round and nice. Wanna slap it, would you let me?” Richie wonders, the slicking sounds getting faster. 

“Yes.” He whispers and he didn’t even know that was something he’d be into it, but he’s imagining it now and he’s so into it. 

“Fuck baby.” Richie groans, “imagine me slapping your ass while I’m fucking you nice and good.” Eddie chokes on nothing really. “Yeah Eds I could fuck you so hard and good, you’d never want me to stop. You’d me so good for me baby, right?”

Eddie groans quietly, “Yes Rich.. I’ll be a good boy for you.”

He was praying the driver was not trying to actively pay attention to him. Especially not when Richie moan was cut off with a big gasp of his name. 

It was so unfair having to hear how Richie cums on the phone and not being able to do a single thing. 

“Fuck...” Richie whispers after minutes of just panting. “Holy shit... I’ve never came that hard before. This jealousy thing really... sparked something in me.”

Eddie chuckles, “It really did, not complaining though.”

A beat passes and Richie clears his throat, “Hey you know I really don’t mind you hanging out with Ryan. I.. don’t want you to think I’m being controlling. It’s just you know... the usual jealousy.”

“Richie, it’s okay. I know. Believe me I’m the same way.” Eddie smiles, “Don’t worry okay?”

“Okay..” He sounds relieved, “I just wanna make sure I’m not making you uncomfortable or you know.”

“Richie it’s fine. We are good okay?” He reassures him. And it warms his heart just how perfect his boyfriend was. 

“You almost to the apartment?” Richie asks just as Eddie arrives. 

“Going up the elevator soon.” Eddie says and it almost hurts to walk. Each step was just making his cock uncomfortable. He finally reaches his place and closes the door. 

Eddie reaches and undoes his zipper, which turns to be more a hassle than he expected and drops his phone. “Shit..” He scrambles and tries to pick it up. “Rich?”

“Still here, you ready yet?” Richie whispers and Eddie looks around and figures he’s going to get off on the floor, next to the front door. 

“Fuck yes.” He groans as he finally frees his cock and gets a good grip on it. It wasn’t ideal but he couldn’t bother to get the lube from his room. 

“Your moans are so pretty Eddie, fuck! Can’t wait to see you again, going to suck you off so good.” Richie says in such a sultry voice that it’s ridiculous but right now it’s so hot. “Try to deep throat you Yeah? You’d like that?”

Eddie moans and his hand starts sliding fast. He was gonna last even less than Richie.

“Yeah I know you would. Have so many things I wanna do to you Eddie, want to take you apart. Want to show you just how good sex is.” He purrs into the phone and Eddie is almost seeing double. 

He’s close, a few beads of pre cum slide down his length and he whimpers. “Richie.. M’close.”

“Baby please cum for me, you’re so hot baby. After I get done swallowing your cock I can just move to your ass. Ass so pretty it deserves to be eaten out.” Richie says and Eddie blacks out for the rest because he cums instantly. 

“Shit Eds!” Richie groans as he hears Eddie ride his orgasm.

“D-Don’t call me that.” Eddie says panting and going slack against the floor. He was magically still holding the phone to his ear. “Shit... fuck.” Objectively this was fast and messy but he’d never cum that hard before. “You need to visit me soon.”

“Soon as I get done with this tour, I’m spending an entire week with you.” Richie sighs, “You better take an entire week off too, I don’t want to share you with your work.”

Eddie thinks about that, an entire week with Richie where they can just do whatever they want to and smiles. Somewhere nice and warm, by the beach perhaps. He gasps and sits up. “California.”

“Uh... yeah we can go a week to my place if you like.” Richie says a little confused. 

“No.. I want to move there. Maybe with you.. or not. I just.. fucking hate my job and New York City.” Eddie says and the more he thinks about it the more he is agreeing to it. 

“What?” Richie asks sounding perplexed. “Is this because of your post orgasm gaze?”

“No no. I just recently realized I don’t like my job and I just.. I don’t know what I wanna do but that’s okay. I’ll figure that part out too. I just don’t wanna keep doing this and feel stuck.” Eddie explains and feels his palms tingle. “W-We don’t have to live together. I can find a place, I’ve saved a bit of money. No pressure. I jus-“

“Eddie.. c’mon. I want you to live with me. I’d love for you to come and you can figure out whatever it is you wanna do.” Richie says and Eddie can hear the smile behind his voice. “It be amazing, after the tour I have several things I need to do and they’re all LA based. And having you there to come home to.. perfect.”

“So.. you wanna do this? Live together in LA?” Eddie bites his lip.

“Fuck yes babe!” Richie squeals in excitement. 

Eddie knows it’s a big step which is why on his next session with Ms. Brown he was fidgeting. 

“What’s going on? Something bad happen since our last session Eddie?” She asks, deeply concerned for him. 

“No.. I mean. I just made a decision.” Eddie says and takes a deep breath, “I’m going to move... to LA with Richie. I know it’s sudden. And I know you said I needed my own time and space, but I hate New York City and my job. And I know I should know what I wanna do next... but perhaps I don’t need to know you know? Like I still feel like I’m making my own choices and my choice is to not always know what’s next. Take it a day at a time.” He stops and looks over shyly at her, “I’m going to miss my friends and you of course but... it’s what I want to do.”

She doesn’t say anything. She just stares at him with a smile. She nods and clears her throat, “I’m very proud of you Eddie. You’ve come a long way. I will miss you, but please do contact me if you are ever in the vicinity.”

He feels so happy that he gets teary. She had helped him a lot and he’ll always be thankful for her. “Will do, thank you for everything.”

He puts his two weeks in. Richie finishes his tour and helps him pack his things, after having sex multiple times that Eddie walked a little funny. And Eddie was glad he didn’t have much, so the packing only lasted a short while and the rest he could spend it with his boyfriend. 

The night before their flight was set to take off, they were having dinner. Richie had ordered some take out after another mind blowing sex round and now they were spread out on the living room eating. 

“Are you excited for this next chapter?” Richie smiles as he eating. 

Eddie grimaces, “Don’t talk and chew.” He takes a sip of his water and nods, “Yeah... you know? I always thought this would scare me. That the night before it all actually happened, I’d be having a panic attack. But I’m surprisingly calm. I have you, I have the losers, I have my freedom... everything I’ll ever need.” 

The divorce papers had come in a week prior to that, he was free from his previous life. He was ready to start this new life, with Richie. 

Richie smiles at him, his favorite smile. The smile that reaches his eyes and lights them in such a way Eddie never though it be possible. His most favorite part about his smile is that is directed at him. Eddie is the only person who can make Richie smile like that. 

“You sure you ready?”

And oh Eddie was. He was scared most of his life, letting the people around him control him. The call that Mike made him, shook his world. The joke that Richie made about being married, shattered his own self view. The journey he went on after defeating Pennywise... that was the hardest thing he’d ever done. But here he was, having dinner with the love of his life. And he felt so at peace. 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.”

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed it! please be kind if you leave a comment.


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